Ten Thousand Saints, By Eleanor Henderson

Ten Thousand Saints, by Eleanor Henderson, is a truly moving and inspiring book.  It tells the story of Jude, a teenage boy, trying to find himself amidst a whirlwind of drugs, family issues, pregnancies, and addiction.  He goes from chaotically searching dangerous streets for money to satisfy his addiction, to taking control and becoming "straight edge;" clean, vegan, natural, and focused. Both of these lifestyles lead his personality in wild and unpredictable directions and decisions.  I decided to explore the quirks, advantages, and disadvantages of each.

Jude as a clean, straight edge person seems altogether more focused and driven to achieve his goal; creating and leading a successful band, preaching straight edge values to audiences all across America.  While managing this task, he is able to reconnect with his dysfunctional, drug loving family, and attain closure over his best friend Teddy's death. However, I believe that at my point in the book, straight edge is becoming a bit of an obsession itself.  This makes sense, as Jude seems to needs control in his life after all he's been through.  Straight edge is a time-consuming lifestyle that requires all of Jude's energy and focus, leaving him little time to think about Teddy.  Sometimes, Jude can take it overboard by beating up and threatening druggies on the street, and almost killing a high school senior, Tory Ventura.  At times like these, I want to jump into the story and remind Jude that the straight edge lifestyle is about peace and finding happiness not from substance, not about violence and shoving your ideas in others' faces.

On the other side of the equation is Jude at the beginning of the book: a lonely, wandering boy trying to find his true self among drugs and alcohol, with his best friend at his side. Obviously, drugs were an influence in Jude's life, and I think were a huge factor in his sudden change of heart and way of life.  On drugs, Jude could not think clearly, and often made bad decisions, like huffing the freon that took Teddy's life.  Drugs ruined Jude's chances of a good education, brought his family down, and caused Jude to steal money.  However, Jude on drugs seems to be more kind and warm, and less severe and harsh.  Prudence, his sister states " I liked you when you were on drugs.  You were gentler, sweeter." Overall, being on drugs had many hill-valley like effects on Jude's personality, the people around him, and his world.

In conclusion, Ten Thousand Saints, by Eleanor Henderson is an unforgettable book that teaches many lifelong lessons, one of which I am finally able to absorb. I believe that while Jude was sweeter on drugs, and was more severe straight edge, straight edge is clearly the lifestyle necessary for his personality.  It caused him to be aware of the people around him, and sparked some great ideas.  As the Green Mountain Boys said "Clean is a dream."

"Tweak," By Nic Sheff

Tweak: Growing up on Methamphetamines By Nic Sheff is the autobiographical story of compassionate, intelligent, and loving young man turned crazy and out of control by drugs. This book retells Nic's story of searching for sobriety in a way no one but an addict can. The raw and emotional voice in this story can real a reader in while at the same time make you feel absolutely hopeless and desperate.  It really makes you feel like you are in Nic's shoes, his position.   Amazingly, I was never against Nic as a person, only angry and annoyed at his character.  Throught the story I always found myself routing for the real un-scarred, not drugged Nic. The Nic that we readers can find in every confused and dangerous character in most books on our bookshelf.

Nic's voice in his memoir is incredible, and hard to describe.  What makes this voice unique is that he not only describes his dysfunctional train of thought on drugs, but his self loathing that he feels all the time.  For example, on page 20, Nic states "I was so scared of coming off the drugs.  It was like this horrible vicious cycle.  The more I used, the more I did things I was ashamed of, and the more I had to use so I had to never face that." The blunt stating of these horrible events makes them seem more surreal and harsh.  I think this is because of his straightforward tone and  the way he justifies his actions as normal.

Another aspect of Nic's writing style that makes it stand out is the raw emotion shown. In this book, you in no way needed to look between the lines to find a "hidden meaning," or depth of feeling.  Sheff obviously did not write this book for the emotionally unstable, because he left almost nothing out.  When reading, I had to put the book down for minutes at a time just to think about the gruesomeness of Nic's journey.  For example, "I am so tired.  This painful, aching tired.  I just want to sleep and be left alone-or maybe just die here.  The room is all dark and I'm sweating.  My breathing is strained.  For some reason my shirt is off, my ribs sticking through my skin-tracks up and down both arms..."Honestly, this vivid detail made me skip some parts of the book, scared of what I would read next.

Finally, the last part of Nic's voice that makes it so striking is its ability to put the reader in Nic's shoes.  Although most readers have not been through the ordeal which Nic struggled through, we have all had our own share of conflicts which can relate to Sheff's.  On page 109, Nic struggles with finding himself amidst all his usage: "Honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. It's like there are seven candles lit in my stomach. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven candles burning and smoking-lit-seven flames of doubt, fear, sorrow, pain, waste, hopelessness, despair. They turn my insides black with soot and ash. There is something at the back of my eyes-a pressure building, building, building-hot like the flames of seven candles, which no amount of breath can extinguish...The fire eats away my flesh. The fire spreads. The fires runs through my veins. The fire courses beneath muscles-my tendons-the marrow of my bones. I can't keep living like this." These words really tear the reader apart.  I think all human beings can relate to Nic's words in at least one way.  At one point, we have all felt hopeless and depressed.  

 It is a part of our anatomy to rise above and overcome this great burden pulling us down. It is a part of our anatomy to fly, no matter how much weight we have on our wings.  This basic idea of survival is what intrigues readers throughout the book Tweak, by Nic Sheff.  In conclusion, Nic's memoir ends with the words: 

"This feels more like living than everything I've ever known in a long time.  I realize how hard tomorrow is going to be, but for now, I feel so thankful to be where I am.  I feel independent.  I feel like my own person."